The Severed Head

Head is a good thing,
with proper protection

Dear readers,

The Head would like to issue a hardy Scummit County welcome to the fresh crop of seasonal workers emigrating to our community from coast to coast and various foreign lands. Now that you've made it to the county, you're welcome to work, drive drunk, and live like rowers on a slave galley.

The Head has a few lessons for you new folks to live by. Hopefully this will make your first few months more enjoyable for all.

SEX: If you are a male, don't count on getting laid until you get busted for a DUI and end up in jail with Bubba. If you're a female, you can have as much sex as you want. If you're an unattractive female, the same applies.

Safe sex for males: Don't worry about disease, since you won't be getting any love. The only germs that will come your way will be cold and flu.

Safe sex for females: Insist that your partner wear a condom. If your partner teaches skiing or tends bar, insist on two.

Local Benefits: You won't be able to live cheaply, park easily, buy a home or get paid a decent wage, so get over it. Don't ask for a local's discount until you've survived here a couple of years.

THE HAPPY VIDEO

The Head has just received news that the BRC (that's Breckenridge Resort Chamber, of course) is producing a movie teaching the joys of slaving in the service industry. The video was luckily written by some rich guy who hasn't worked in a shop or restaurant since Jerry Ford was president, and who hopes to motivate workers to "SHUT UP AND KISS ASS."

I suppose this is better than the HAPPY CAMPS that the BRC hosted last year. At least this video will star locals who have actually worked with the public. Maybe then they can move to Hollywood and get a real job.

BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE THEY ARE MISSING THE POINT

Workers are as good or as bad as those who manage them. Am I wrong? If a worker is treated well and respected at work, they will treat well and respect the customer.

Rather than spend all this time and cash on HAPPY FILM, why doesn't the BRC put together an affordable insurance program for workers? One that doesn't go broke. Why doesn't the BRC create an info-center for local needs like housing, car pools, daycare, etc? Oh, by the way, love what you've done to Ullr Fest.

LET IT SNOW

Thank God, if there is one, the snow will soon fall, preventing those dirt maggots from ravaging more land (or at least slow them down). If you like the way our county has been getting raped by greed, congratulations - you're an idiot.

If you don't really like the way developers have choked our community for every last dollar, I hope you VOTE/VOTED "YES" ON AMENDMENT 24. Or, did you like having to watch $5 million worth of misinformation commercials by realtors?

GOLFING PUKES NEED ANOTHER PLACE TO GO

Those HICKS from the town council of Frisco have appointed another golf-happy committee to decide if the town should ruin the Peninsula once and for all. Let me spell it out for you golf-people.

Here, put your ear close to the page THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS ANOTHER GOLD COURSE IS THE GOLFERS. And since only about 10% of the population gives a rat's ass about that stupid sport, give it freaking up! Here is a sport that screws up hundreds of acres of land, displaces peaceful cross-country skiers, wildlife, mountain bikers, disc golfers and hikers just so some big-bottomed republicans can put on bad clothing, hit their little balls, and drink. GET OUTTA OUR TOWN!

Well citizens, as I sit down with pen in mouth, I can't help but think that by the time most of you read this we will have a new President of the United States of America.

GUSH vs. BORE

I don't know if Gore will lick Bush or if George W. will whip Al Gore.

But I do know that Ralph Nader has as much of a chance of winning as I do of getting a sensual enema from Britney Spears. I do believe if Nader won, our lives will improve, if Gore won, our lives will be much the same, and if Bush won, it will be easier to KILL A CONVICT than to have an abortion.

The Head would like to give a "GOOD HEAD" award to our own STACY MALKAN who left her hearth and home to travel to Washington to work for the Nader campaign, 24 hours a day. She was missed by everyone at the paper except me. Personally, I'm sick of her bugging me about my use of CAPITAL LETTERS, spelling, and punctuation.

HONEST, YOUR LIVES WILL IMPROVE

Does anyone believe Vail Resorts Inc. when they say they need to build a HUGE village full of trophy homes and overpriced shops in Breckenridge? To hear these phonies speak you'd think that if we don't get "saved" by the corporation we'll all go broke and the town will dry up and blow away.

I'll say it once again ... the only reason Vail cares so much about Breckenridge is because they can make quick bucks selling new trophy homes. Or, do you think fat-cat VR stockholders in New York City sit around and worry about the economic health of the businesses in town or the ski experience of the visitor? You think Vail Resorts will be around in 10 years? None of the other ski area owners have been.

Well my little Druggies, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Remember always to floss, use turn signals and keep your eye out for the security cameras.

You know mummy loves you.

Sincerely,
The Severed Head

p.s. If you ever decide to kill your spouse, don't bury him or her in the front yard.